U.S. Takes Action on Immigration, Demands Everyone Carry Immigration Papers

Spurred on by Arizona legislature’s new immigration law, the federal government has now taken action to end illegal immigration. Permanently. Like, all of it.

Arizona’s law requires that potential illegal immigrants (e.g. Hispanic people) have immigration documents on them at all times. Supporters and critics of the measure alike agree that it’s the toughest measure on immigration ever seen in the U.S., or at least they did, until today.

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Maverick maverick

Sarah Palin has been ignoring the McCain campaign’s orders and just kind of running her own (even sloppier) campaign. Apparently she values the advice of a View host over that of her campaign’s managers. What a maverick of the maverick.

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Corruption: the noble Alaskan tradition

Yesterday, Ted Stevens was found guilty of seven felony charges. Which means he can still run for the Senate–even though he can’t vote for himself.

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Trick-or-Treating Guide in the City of Redshift

Trick-or-Treating will last from 6pm – 8pm on Friday for the city proper, 5:47pm – 8:22pm for those living in its faster-moving outlying regions, or 6:13pm – LL5:87aZ for blocks bordering the Alcubierre Anomaly. For those looking for convenient candy containers, Frau Goedel’s Stoneware has generously donated to the City a few thousand of their popular Klein bags. They will be dispensed at their office on Mobius Street, which you can find on either side of the sidewalk.

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Second Black President Endorses First

On Sunday, Colin Powell, fated to be the second black President, endorsed Barack Obama, ensuring he will become the first. “McCain has been kind of a dick lately,” said Powell in his announcement. “If he didn’t pal around with Steve Schmidt, we’d be having a different conversation today. I was kind of hoping to be the first myself, but… but Sarah Palin? Really?”

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The nation was shocked today to find George W. Bush of Texas is still the chief executive of the United States.

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Debate and Switch

Pool reporters were stunned Thursday when Mitt Romney greeted them on the campaign plane with his trademark grin—instead of Sarah Palin, whom the reporters were fairly sure had been the Republican Vice Presidential Nominee. Romney, attempting a Bluff check, smiled away most doubts that he had always been McCain’s VP.

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[Script/Director Proposal]: <i>Troopergate</i>

The following is a formal director’s proposal I made to the theater group to which I belong. Important backstory: A Few Good Men, by Aaron Sorkin, was also proposed for this slot.

Troopergate is a contemporary legal drama by Stephen Branchflower. Based on true events in his own life, it chronicles Branchflower’s attempts to dig to the bottom of a mess of personal vendettas and political conspiracies surrounding the firing of an Alaska State department head by the Governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin.

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McCain Releases New Web Video

Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) announced over the weekend that he would be committing to a new shift in strategy, but few before today could have been sure exactly what he meant. His new internet ad, titled Economic Stimulus Package, shows him bailing out Gov. Sarah Palin (R-AK), seizing control of the markets and giving it to her, and releasing his rebate check all over her face.

It is as popular as it is controversial.

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Election Results in Virginia to be Determined by Basketball Game

In an FEC-sanctioned contest, Barack Obama (D-IL) and Sarah Palin (R-AK) will square off in a one-on-one basketball match to determine the winner of this tossup state. The measure is already being praised as “more fair than the Electoral College” by commentators hoping it is a standard soon to be used nationwide.

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Sarah Palin's Debate Notes

Sarah McCain
Sarah McCain! <3
damn mooses

lol he says nukular wrong

Sarah McCain!!!


Palin Exceeds, you know, what I mean is, Expectations

In tonight’s debate, well, back in Alaska, the people on Main Street Alaska think Governor and former mayor executive Sarah Palin did gosh-darn pretty well, you know.

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Palin's Interview Impresses Stupid People

Clearly, she was nominated for her qualifications and not her gender. Clearly.

Sarah Palin’s at-best-unimpressive performance in a recent ABC interview revealed conclusively why she hasn’t given any other interviews.

She showed she had no understanding whatsoever of the world at large,” said Mory Ellison, a stupid person. “As a person who is dumber than a brick, that speaks to me.”

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StudKickass 5: Clunkline Strikes Back: Electric Boogaloo

Previously on Battlestar Galactica, Chad failed to notice when the Forums he advertised on spawned their most popular thread making fun of him. Eventually, I grew tired of the novelty of being paid to mock my advertisers, so I went all out, posting a massive omnibus article that was half-rant, part-Photoshop desecration, part declaration of hostilities, and all anger. He still didn’t notice.

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The Mastermind Behind It All

There, in the shadows, she waits…

…waiting for the right moment to reveal herself…