Sir Issac Newton, the Archbishop of Canterbury, and a lawnmower walk into a bar.
The bartender says, “don’t tell me what ya want, boys, I have a knack for guessin’, but ya gotta let me look around ya mouth to see what ya like.”
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Pittsburgh loves hair and falsetto as much as the next city does, and your faithful Clunkline reporters let you in on the rumor that we’d soon be seeing an appearance by a lesser-known member of the old guard of rock’n’roll. Now, details are falling into place. An anonymous source reported Saturday that long-lived hard rock supergroup Magma will be playing New Year’s Eve at the Post-Gazette Pavilion. This will mark the thirty-eighth scheduled performance in Magma’s latest comeback tour. “We blasted out of the 70s,” said lead singer and triple-necked-guitarist Blaze Runway. “Musical pyrotechnics, exploding onto the scene. We cooled off a bit through the 80s, then in the 90s we went back underground, through subduction. Now we’re back in the magma chamber below the vent, if you know what I mean, and I really think we’re just about ready to erupt once more. After all, FROM WHERE DOTH ROCK COME IF NOT FROM MAGMA?!” ELIZA is a simulated Rogerian psychotherapist programmed by Joseph Weizenbaum in the 1960’s. She is designed to help the user muse about their emotional state in order to come to understand it, which is supposed to have a calming effect. I sat down with ELIZA to talk with her about how she got started. Tanzmetall: Thanks for taking the time to sit down with me. I returned Peter’s stash to its rightful (though dare I say unlawful!) place, and soon enough Peter returned in a similarly criminal manner. I could see in his bloodshot eyes that awful gleam of knowing. Like any good spy, I had returned his rifled-through things to their original places, carefully restacking the most casual of stacks, etc, and though any layman would have been none the wiser, something in those flat eyes knew that I knew that he was a fiend, both horticulturally and demonologically. A survey of countries supposedly complicit in genocides revealed that all the strange happenins’, shady dealins’, and apparent killins’ were only coincidences. This survey allayed fears of guilty American citizens who were starting to feel bad about sitting around while not one but several genocides were going on. “We have no idea how all these villages were burned, women were raped, and people were killed ruthlessly and systematically on the basis of their ethnic background,” said representatives of the Sudanese government, the country where Darfur is located. “But it certainly had nothing to do with Chinese oil companies! It must have happened while we stepped outside for a cigarette. Yes, the entire Sudanese government. At the same time. …We like company.” It is often observed that hindsight is 20/20, and that goes double for science. So, like, 40/40. The existence of gravity, famously observed by Sir Isaac Newton, is sort of a no-brainer in retrospect. So are using rocks to hit things, bottled water, that some things are flammable, and black-white-and-grey television. But all of this pales in comparison to the mighty, profound DUH! going through the mathematics community in light of recent discoveries in the field of fuzzy math. Scientists recently have uncovered a new physics theory to describe the observed natural progression of things into the shape of a human penis. Research began when Dr. Rupik Balashatwa at Ohio State University noticed that some mushrooms very closely resemble penises. From that point it was the aim of Balashatwa and his team of researchers to find if it was just coincidence, or a natural force operating in the universe. His next discovery was the naked mole rat, which only looked like a penis in certain circumstances.
5/4/49 My God, I tell you, space is boring. I enlisted for the action of a deep space exploration mission. I never expected that a deep space exploration mission would need latrine duty. I certainly never expected to be personally responsible for cleaning it. Maybe someday, with a bit of luck, I can become Sanitation Officer, promoted through my own merits. That is my true dream. Not cleaning up shit, but telling others to do it for me. One thing’s for sure, in the meantime, this trip isn’t about to get more interesting, and my job couldn’t possibly get more difficult. Certainly it will not do so even if we pick up aliens whose specialty is pooping everywhere. |
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