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Editor’s Note: Today’s article was guest-written by Tanzmetall(719), an alternate instance of Tanzmetall who somehow managed to get elected to the United States Senate in 2008, defeating Arlen Specter. This is especially remarkable since, in 2008, Tanzmetall was much younger than the age limit, and Specter was not up for reelection. July 19, 2009 Well! Just won election after an exhausting recount. I was about to lose my Pennsylvania Supreme Court appeal, but at the last second, I ran over and poked a cancer pustule on Specter’s face. Thus angered, he launched into a curse-filled tirade about how Pennsylvania voters are idiots and how much he hates America. By state law, the election results were voided. Woooo! A different perspective on events eight years old. Following pressure from President Bin Laden, the Senate voted unanimously to invade North America, a fascist nation thought to be harboring terrorists from the fundamentalist Christian terrorist group Project for a New American Century. Known for their megalomaniacal aims, gross nationalism, and no qualms about using force, the Project for a New American Century is the United States of the Middle East Except For Israel’s greatest foe: an axis of evil unilaterally disseminating their fundamentalist propaganda, and sending thousands of well-armed terrorists surging into USMEEFI territories. A bill has passed the House to give a Representative in Congress to the heavily-Democratic District of Columbia, which has lacked any sort of voice in the Capitol since the nation’s founding. License plates in DC are emblazoned with “Taxation without Representation” in protest. Controversially, the bill also contains a provision giving an extra Congressional vote to Republican Utah, in order to even out the partisan mixture of the new additions. Utah narrowly missed getting an extra seat in 2000, and has since been throwing temper tantrums. “No taxation without disproportionate representation,” read license plates in Utah.
President-Elect Obama shocked many in the punditocracy by nominating Chin Soo-Choo, the world’s only 5-star Starcraft general, to be his Secretary of Defense. “Chin has all the qualities that I look for in a general: he has a complete grasp of the proper use of High Templar, he is unbeatable when playing Zerg, and he is so über-micro it’s ridiculous.” A compiled list of various write-in candidates from the 2006 CMU student senate elections. It amuses me, who knows, maybe you’ll come away feeling good about the world too. Student Body President: Student Body VP of finance:
With the election just a week away, Chris Dodd, who has always been his party’s nominee, is down by 9 points in the polls. His rival, Duncan Hunter, who you may remember from when he won his party’s nomination over John McCain, has even surpassed the 50 point mark.
I am an expert on terrible webcomics. About half our ads are for webcomics so abysmal, they make Minimum Security look like Calvin and Hobbes. I always browse through our Project Wonderful advertisers’ sites to see if I find any gems, which are exceptionally rare (see also: Grade D but Edible, Buttersafe). I’ve only found two webcomics I’ve really enjoyed among dozens that have bought our advertising. That says a lot about how many people simply do not belong in that business. Some of these unremarkable strips are solidly “pretty good”, but their potential is wasted by either a bad partnership or a lack of a badly-needed partnership; some are just in all ways conventional, been-done, and uninteresting. There is nothing memorable to distinguish 97% of all webcomics. Trust me: StudKickass is different. StudKickass is one of the most memorable strips I’ve ever seen… but I do not wish this experience even on my worst enemies. John McCain (R-AZ) and several fellow lawmakers were charged with violations of Senate ethics rules last Tuesday. It is the sixth installment in a franchise of corruption, but the critical consensus is that it is not as interesting or surprising as the last episode, Keating Five. Despite its poor critical reception, nobody can deny it was lucrative. It netted the senators involved a combined $50 million on its opening weekend.
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