It’s really startin’ to get fucked. I know my stepmom’s a bitch, but that’s no excuse, really. I’m sure there’s plenty of girls who’ve had to clean the house. I guess that’s what I get for downin’ a fifth of Grey Goose before I got down to cleanin’ shit up. I’ve blacked out before, but that was a real dick move on her part to get the handyman to drag my passed-out ass into the fuckin’ woods. I was so paranoid that he was gonna try to kill me. When I came to I just started runnin’ like they lit a fire under my ass. I heard gunshots and a half an oink in the distance…

I dunno what was in that bottle, but the next thing I know I’m surrounded by a bunch of woodland critters that might as well have been talkin’ to me. You know, rabbits making gestures and shit. At this point, I was too crunked to care, and I followed them deeper into the forest. Damn if I didn’t come across a little shack. The hole in my lip was gettin’ dry, so I grabbed my flask before I crashed on the floor.

Next thing I know: “Hi, ho!” Seven little men. SEVEN! You ever been septuple-teamed? I gotta stop drinking around men. Seriously. It gets worse—they make me cook them dinner. Shit. I should have stayed home. At least stepmom doesn’t lock the liquor cabinet.

It went on that way for a like a month. I wouldn’t mind so much if the little one didn’t keep sneezing on me. Motherfucker must have a cold, and I don’t want it. Anyway, it went on with the cooking until the day that old bitch showed up sellin’ fruit. I just figured she was Mexican and bought some on the cheap. I decided to make some Sangria, and it was STRONG. One swig and…

Back to the floor. Long story short, I wake up in a fuckin’ glass box with some blond dude I don’t recognize trying to stick his tongue down my throat. Eew, yo.

I’ve gotta stop drinking around men.

Seriously. I’m done with the hooch. Yeah. No more booze for me. Damn skippy. I’m switching to pure flake cocaine, baby. That’s right.

Who’s Snow White now, bitchez?

According to Wikipedia, Groaty Dick “. . .is a traditional dish from the Black Country in England.” 300 This means that it qualifies as “soul food,” which may come as a surprise to some. Groaty dick is made from “. . .groats, beef, leeks, onions, and beef stock [and a bunch of other shit].” π

Groaty Dick is most commonly found in Tanzmetall’s pants.YEP Generally modern scientists believe that the dick in Tanzmetall’s pants got so groaty from his habit of putting it in toothless hookers. However, a recent study indicates that it may also be the result of having sex with mountains of dromedary feces. EW

As I was watching you tonight over my roommate’s shoulder, being quiet as to not startle him, I realized you do quite many a thing that needs not be done. For instance, the first scene in which you straddled a man, you asked him to make noise. I believe all who buy this specific tape can clearly see he cannot be of this species, and thus any noise that this behemoth would make would be that of a chimp. Indeed it was. Also, asking him, mid-entrance, if he was cold was just inconceivable. Mr. Porn Star Man had enough hair on his body to clothe the surviving citizens of the United States after a nuclear holocaust; I doubt his temperature drops below five-hundred degrees on any given day.

Also on the topic of the unnecessary: your fascination with yourself is something to be admired. However, you seem to punish yourself for it. I am not sure if you are aware, darling, but there are about 8,000 nerve endings in that itsy bitsy little spot that you insist on smacking around! If you were kind to yourself, maybe Mr. Porn Star Man, or Ms. Porn Star Madame, whomever you happen upon at the time, would feel the need to help you. While getting off to a running start is also appreciated by some, I doubt any of them would be unwilling to assist you in this manner, especially since they are getting paid.

Dear, you are also geographically challenged. If you are vacationing with your sorority sisters at a ski resort, it is rather idiotic not to dress for the occasion. While you could easily shave Mr. Porn Star Man and make enough coats for each of your ample sorority sisters, I do believe he would have a small problem with that. Therefore I propose you enter the ski resort in a fur coat (faux fur, as random animal murder is wrong). If you want to pull off something sexy, it is fine to wear nothing underneath. Cut off shorts that hardly equal a normal pair of bikini briefs seems a bit uncommon for the weather. The camp fire is not that warm.

If you are angry in the tent you share with girlfriends a, b, and c, it is one thing to give way to sexual tension. However, it should be believable anger. In fact, I was almost convinced until in your rage you tried to slam the flap of the tent. It would be much more appropriate to zip it up quickly. Now that you have body heat, why leave?

It seems Mr. Porn Star Man with his fur offends you–so much so that there is no evidence that you have ever possessed even an inch of body hair yourself. Grooming is acceptable. However, administering what I am sure was pure torture, as I see no little red bumps from the extreme close ups, says quite a lot about your psyche. You must have been abused as a child, which left you longing for an innocent past. Your body image at that time was more suited your maturity level now, as witnessed from your lack of vocabulary, and thus you feel the need to show off a body of that of a little girl. Any other time you enjoy your woman-hood (and others’). Why not now?

For future reference, when masturbating on a picnic table on an old run-down farm, it might be a good idea to check for splinters. Actually, in your case it may be a good idea for you, yourself, to sand the picnic table, as you squirm a lot. I couldn’t help but notice after so much of that squirming, a few differences in the picture were quite obvious. The girl whom the directors chose to be your double had a tattoo of a little man with a lawnmower on her left hip bone. Of all of your other scenes I had never caught a glimpse of it and so I can only assume that you and the picnic table got in a fight at the last second.

Ms. Porn Star Lady, I do proclaim it time for a new career. However, we at Sit and Be Fit do not consider your audition tape to be appropriate at this time.

For those of you who do not know me, and probably those of you who do, I spend a great deal of time masturbating. So it should come as no surprise to you that on this most boring of breaks, I have spent a great deal of time masturbating. I masturbated in bed, I masturbated in the living room, I masturbated on the Christmas tree, I masturbated on my cat, I masturbated in the backyard, etc. And as ashamed as I am to admit it with all of the masturbating I was doing, I started to get bored with my usual brand of pornography. No offense, Slutty French Maids Fuck Each Other’s Brains Out, but I can only watch two women in corsets 69ing for so long (for the record it took me ten days to get to this point). I decided a needed a fresh new, hip pornography.

So I went to YouPorn, and I found her… and more importantly, it. The girl I had been expecting, but had never thought to see her doing what she was doing with one of those. And quite frankly, it was magical.

Suddenly my entire life snapped into focus. I now know why cutting vegetables makes me nervous. I see exactly why I get aroused watching women browsing in the produce aisle. I know why I painted my penis green when I was a child. I finally understand why I run to the fridge whenever a girl takes her clothes off in front of me. For sliding in and out of the woman’s vagina was the one thing I have always wished my penis was… a cucumber.

No marketing opportunity should go to waste! So, I hired a polling firm and did the field work to determine what ads would see a lot of traffic there. Here are my recommendations about what to advertise to readers of sex offender databases.

(I had about four more sentences here but couldn’t remember what I wrote before my computer froze. For some reason, the damn thing is full of viruses.) Kindergartenfinder.com This one makes a lot of sense to me. These guys are mostly aged 40 and older, a lot of them probably have kids and need to know where to drop them off for soccer practice. Thailand tourism Thailand is beautiful at this time of year. But be careful: sometimes what you think is Thailand, is just Vietnam in drag. Lawyers Ah, another thing no American should be without! Whenever I bust out my semi-annual lawsuit, I need one of these. Apparently people who use the sex offender registry also need them. Perfectly reasonable. Seminary school This one is the only one that doesn’t make sense. Why would Catholics be looking at this site? The Catholic clergy has nothing in common with sex offenders!

Maybe it’s some Irish guy with too many kids, looking for a nice new adoptive parent to take some of them. (I did notice that many of the gentlemen in the database just loooove children.) ]]> This past weekend, I attempted to get back in touch with a high school classmate of mine. I noticed that next to his mugshot on the sex offender database, there were no ads. Nothing, anywhere on the page. I was more outraged by this omission than by the crime he “allegedly” committed.

No marketing opportunity should go to waste! So, I hired a polling firm and did the field work to determine what ads would see a lot of traffic there. Here are my recommendations about what to advertise to readers of sex offender databases.

White vans The always-in-style shaggin’ wagon is inexplicably popular with this demographic. The white paint job symbolizes innocence; the tinted windows, its loss.

Candy Not sure why they like candy so much. Seems like more of a kid-thing. But, the research has spoken–they really want candy for some reason.
Sunglasses I guess these cool cats just gotta look hip!
Free credit reports Really, who doesn’t want a free credit report? I can’t count the number of times I’ve compulsively clicked on one of these ads! (I had about four more sentences here but couldn’t remember what I wrote before my computer froze. For some reason, the damn thing is full of viruses.)
Kindergartenfinder.com This one makes a lot of sense to me. These guys are mostly aged 40 and older, a lot of them probably have kids and need to know where to drop them off for soccer practice.
Thailand tourism Thailand is beautiful at this time of year. But be careful: sometimes what you think is Thailand, is just Vietnam in drag.
Lawyers Ah, another thing no American should be without! Whenever I bust out my semi-annual lawsuit, I need one of these. Apparently people who use the sex offender registry also need them. Perfectly reasonable.
Seminary school This one is the only one that doesn’t make sense. Why would Catholics be looking at this site? The Catholic clergy has nothing in common with sex offenders! Maybe it’s some Irish guy with too many kids, looking for a nice new adoptive parent to take some of them. (I did notice that many of the gentlemen in the database just loooove children.)