Living with Peter, the Awful Korean Part Two: Smoke and Mirrors

So one might criticize my reaction to that initial night of sexile, since the blue scrunchie maneuver was something I might have given Peter reason to think was okay. (I hope to god Peter didn’t show that Chinese girl his “blue scrunchie maneuver” if you know what I mean, because what I mean is some kind of sex act).

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My Roommate: A Review

So for the last couple of months, I’ve had to share my room with another human being. Now, you may be wondering how that was. I’ll give you a hint: if it were great it would not be funny.

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Sermon on the Brick

From the Desk of the First Church of Lego (Reformed)

Good morning, my fellow minifigures.

I have received many troubling confessions as of late. It seems many members of our community are harboring dangerous thoughts as to the nature of the Creator. Questions are being asked that can only lead to treason against the almighty Builder and His books of divine instruction. I have taken it upon myself to dispel these concerns once and for all so that all of us fellow bricks can once more unite in the name of Lego.

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Living with Peter, the Awful Korean. Part One: It Begins

Roommate stories, roommate stories, I’m gonna bust out some roommate stories!

Indeed, today is the day I will tell the story of Peter, the Awful Korean.

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Discussions on Matrimony by Dr. Norm D. Apple, Ed. D., Adjunct Professor at the University of Australia, Alice Springs

As it happens, I have come to believe that several terms traditionally used in monogamous heterosexual marriage are inherently degrading to the parties usually yoked by their particular brand of bigotry and ignorance.

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Nom de Pomme’s Guide to Song Meanings

Yes, my dear loyal audience, it is nom de pomme, back from his tour of Scandinavia, the low countries, southern Austria, and eastern Australia with a new edition of Guide for your listening (read: reading) pleasure. In this edition, we look at the elusive meanings to some of the world’s most enigmatic and popular songs.

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Announcer Wins Wrestling Championship

In a surprise upset, wrestling announcer Maximilian “Maxx” Heavyweights won the Heavyweight title in the Thunder Mountain Wrestling Xtreem Championship, announced “Maxx” Heavyweights on Tuesday.

Things started to go badly for the two contestants about halfway through the final match of the championship.

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Trifecta

My otherwise perfect physical appearance is marred by a horrible deformity, so grotesque that I am shunned by members of polite society. Yes, I speak of my third nipple.

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Things that Aren’t Laws, but Should Be

Part of this article is jaw-droppingly insensitive and tasteless. We won’t cover the costs of your monocle if it flies from your eye and shatters on the floor. Proceed at your own risk.


1) No dollar menu item shall cost more than or less than a dollar.

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Vikenomics

Ladies and gentlemen, today’s economic crisis has only one solution: more Vikings! (Not the Minnesotan kind… we need many less of them.)

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Penis Safari

Like many of you whose girlfriend has left them for another species, I often find myself comparing my penis to that of many animals. For those of you who have not had the opportunity to degrade yourself, I went to the Icelandic Phallological Museum, home of more than 245 preserved penises to learn about the wonders of the animal penis kingdom.

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Analyzing the Ronnicles - Part 7


The Ronnicles: Exercises in Literacy from one of America’s Finest Convenience Store Managers

The Logic of Ronnie

I’ve already pointed out a few examples of situations in which Ronnie makes very bizarre logical errors, but there are plenty more available. They follow.

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The Travels and Exploits of Charles Beaverthroop, Accounts Thereof, Thursday, October 19th, Year of Our Lord 1723, Mid-Afternoon, Upon a Stump Somewhere in Indian Territory.

The Beaverthroop Expedition has been most excruciatingly dull of late, which explains my lack of entries for the past few weeks. It has come to me that the reader of this manuscript, upon its inevitable publishing, will possibly be displeased at the gap in information, so I will contribute a small description of what had come to pass since my last entry, before coming to the matter at hand, to wit: the reason I chose to return to my journal.

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The Book of Mormon

Today my roommate told me he had a Christmas present for me: the Book of Mormon. Imagine my very chaste surprise.

Turns out a bunch of Mormon girls were handing them out on the street and he just couldn’t tell them no. (You know how it is with Mormon girls.)

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Zuul’s Revenge: A Romantic Comedy by Vincent Q. Brown

Mr Speelburg, please stop returning my manuscript with red marks all over it. I will continue to resend it until it is 1) read 2)) purchased 3))) heaped praise upon and 4)))) YOU SHUT UP.

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