An Open Letter to the Parent of a Former Customer

Dear Foul Wretched Spawn of Society,
I am truly sorry your precious snowflake did her absolute damnedest to be removed twice from our store by stealing, moving her lips and producing such a great wind as to knock over merchandise, and then refusing to place it back where it belongs, which I see you’ve taught her well.

Read the full article

Philosophical Zombie 2: The new face of horror looks and acts exactly like yours.

You’d have to be brain dead to have missed the buzz around Geoffry A. Rawlin’s Philosophical Zombie 2 (P-Zed2).  Moviegoers delighted at the original Philosophical Zombie, a blockbuster hit which threatened to overturn the zombie horror genre.  The sequel promises us a bigger story, more zombies, and more horror, all on a bigger budget.  Sounds good.  But as a critic, I must ask the question: does the film live up to the hype?

Read the full article

Just Sayin'

Ever said anything that you instantly regretted? Ever been at a funeral for a retarded person who got murdered by neo-nazis and told someone that maybe we should just euthanize the fuckers, after all they’re just a big cost to society?

Read the full article

Nightgame

The young man gazed with wonder at his mistress. The light of countless stars was just enough for his eyes to take in her familiar outline. Here, in a small ditch in the middle of a field on a moonless night, they could truly be alone. Away from the judgmental eyes of the society that had forbidden their love, they could indulge in their secret passion.

Read the full article

Living with Peter, the Awful Korean Part Three: Open Season

I returned Peter’s stash to its rightful (though dare I say unlawful!) place, and soon enough Peter returned in a similarly criminal manner. I could see in his bloodshot eyes that awful gleam of knowing. Like any good spy, I had returned his rifled-through things to their original places, carefully restacking the most casual of stacks, etc, and though any layman would have been none the wiser, something in those flat eyes knew that I knew that he was a fiend, both horticulturally and demonologically.

Read the full article

ClunkMD: Chronic MMO

Chronic MMO: Topic Overview

Chronic MMO is a degenerative disease that frequently affects students and computer users in general. It can progress into stages that can result in incredibly unsanitary practices and eventually in a state of apparent death to the rest of the world.

Read the full article

Why I Watched You Pee in my Yard

I was up late that night. Graveyard shift at the campus apartments. A dispute down the hall resulted in a pathetic and somewhat hairy student coming to me complaining about one asian in particular, and asians in general. He also said he needed a new scrunchie, but I couldn’t help him there. A single RA can only do so much to stem the asian invasion and conjure up scrunchies.

Read the full article

Discussions on Matrimony by Dr. Norm D. Apple, Ed. D., Adjunct Professor at the University of Australia, Alice Springs

As it happens, I have come to believe that several terms traditionally used in monogamous heterosexual marriage are inherently degrading to the parties usually yoked by their particular brand of bigotry and ignorance.

Read the full article

Trifecta

My otherwise perfect physical appearance is marred by a horrible deformity, so grotesque that I am shunned by members of polite society. Yes, I speak of my third nipple.

Read the full article

The Letters of Jim Paradox, Fugitive from the Law of Causation

Dearest mother,

I’m so sorry I haven’t taken the time to write in a long while. My life’s gone down the rabbithole. I’m starting to think the only solution to this is for me to go back in time and kill my grandfather, so none of this ever happens.

Read the full article

Molest Small Children for Change?

Recently, Barack Obama sent me this email.



Hello. I’m Jon Carson, the National Field Director for the Obama campaign, and I have a special request for you.

Read the full article

Pages: 1 2

I’m not sure how much more of this I can take.

As H.L. Mencken once said, “Nobody ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American people.”

I partly blame the excessive, ridiculous primary campaign, but this year’s election season has been too close, too long, and too dire for me to bear. I spend far too much time reading, thinking, and writing about it. And the race is close because people are too stupid or ignorant or apathetic to give a shit about it. What an insult to people like me who actually think about things.

Read the full article

“I Kissed a Girl”: The Tween Idol and Her Audience

Recently I was stuck in car outside of my driving jurisdiction and thus without the authority to change the radio station. Among the various ephemera of pop music which quickly left my head, I suddenly picked up on the refrain of “I Kissed A Girl”. I too have kissed a girl, and everyone likes songs which relate to them, but the difference here may be that I am male, and thus my actions carried no titillating tease of the homoerotic. Still, it was of interest.

Read the full article

Civilization to be Suspended for Repairs from 3am to 7am Saturday

Amid calls for the repair of the now nearly 5,000 year old civilization system, the government’s Civilization Utilities and Natural Technologies (CUNiT) department will suspend civilization for five hours of repairs this weekend.

Read the full article

Clunklanalysis: McCain’s VP Picks, Part I

Bobby “Creepy Smile” Jindal
Joe “Iscariot” Lieberman
Profile
Profile
Louisiana Governor Bobby “Creepy Smile” Jindal is much-loved among the conservative assholes who have so far shied away from McCain for not being proud enough to be an asshole. He has run a completely non-transparent government in a state whose reputation for mismanagement and catastrophe rivals that of President Bush. All of this makes him a likely pick. Joe “Iscariot” Lieberman is a Senator from Connecticut who hates doing the right thing. In 2000, he helped Al Gore lose/win and ultimately lose an election, and now he is doing the same for Barack Obama. Joe Lieberman, who left the Democratic Party for the Fuck the Democrats Party (of his own founding), endorsed John McCain, who gleefully added “Jewish voters” to his list of minority voters he could count on. It is still the only bullet point on that list.

Read the full article