Episcopal Lawnmower Brigade Divided over Calculus Ruling

“I believe they concentrated on Calculus last year.” Said Helmut Buttganger, a Private in the Episcopal Lawnmower Brigade.

But it looks like Calculus has again become the focus of the Brigade.

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5 Internet Memes That Never Quite Made It

It’s a fact: not all internet phenomena are created equally. Every once in a while, a bizarre idea spawned in the festering forums of 4chan will get lucky enough to make its way out into the real world and enter the everyday lives of normal people; but for every “Hamster Dance” or “Peanut Butter Jelly Time,” there are at least three other attempts at creating the next big cultural icon that never make it too far past the planning stages…

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George Bush Reveals Punchline

In a speech congratulating Obama for his victory, Bush made a surprising revelation. “And as the current President of this country, I look forward to passing the torch on to Mr. Obama. …NOT!” He smiled sheepishly. “I’m not even President! Al Gore is. You guys really didn’t figure that out after eight years? What a bunch of rubes.”

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Eragon: A Pointless Review

In the past month I have rediscovered the local library, and boy, it has changed. Okay, not really. It still has books, it still has the same computers, the same people… I guess really the only difference is that they’re now in a joint venture with other surrounding libraries making more books available. This required me to get a new library card, as mine was literally over ten years old, but the benefits were worth it. One of the new features is the ability to ‘check-out’ audiobooks online for free. Granted, it isn’t the best selection in the world, but there are quite a few books that I had been meaning to read but hadn’t the time. With audiobooks, I can zone out at work (as usual) and immerse myself in the world literally streaming into my head. The first book I checked out and finished (the I, Robot one had a bad sector that won’t transfer properly, so I’m stuck halfway through) is Eragon.

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And I'd Just Like to Give a Shoutout to...

Shoutouts. They’re a way of letting people know you’re thinking of them enough to let other people know you’re thinking of them. And all too often, they are misused. There is an increasingly alarming growth of people ignorant to when the shoutout is appropriate. To remedy this epidemic, I have compiled a list of when a shoutout is appropriate, and when it is not. Please note it with due consideration.

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Government Solves Lending Crisis with Loan

“This entire mess was started by banks giving out loans to insolvent people,” said Harry Reid in a speech on the Senate floor today in favor of the bailout. “The obvious solution to this is to lend money to insolvent backs.”

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John McCain Foreclosed out of 5 of 7 Homes

“My friends, these are tough times,” said McCain in a stump speech usually filled with insincere platitudes. But this time was different. “But seriously, my friends. I have a very serious announcement to make. My checkbook is in crisis. My beautiful wife, Cindy, was one of the principal investors in AIG… and the Lehman Brothers… and Merrill Lynch… and… well… pretty much everything that just fell apart. As a result, we’ve been foreclosed out of most of our homes. Like the average American family on Main Street, we’re feeling the pinch.”

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Man Argues Loudly with Television

“What?! That’s not… NO. No, you can’t go on national TV and say that. You just can’t. You lying sack of shit,” spewed Derrick Watson of Bridgeville, PA, at the television this weekend. “GOD DAMMIT! Now you made me spill my fucking Coke! I’m gonna fucking kill you, first the lies and now the goddamn Coke!”

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StudKickass 5: Clunkline Strikes Back: Electric Boogaloo

Previously on Battlestar Galactica, Chad failed to notice when the Forums he advertised on spawned their most popular thread making fun of him. Eventually, I grew tired of the novelty of being paid to mock my advertisers, so I went all out, posting a massive omnibus article that was half-rant, part-Photoshop desecration, part declaration of hostilities, and all anger. He still didn’t notice.

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Do Not Work at American Sensors

Nevermind that the owner was French.

For a few months last year, I worked with farkle-farkle at one of the worst companies I could possibly have chosen. I do not mince words. I could work in technical writing for twenty years, changing jobs every four months, and not find a worse place than American Sensors Corporation. The first time farkle-farkle said the name “American Sensors”, I thought she’d said “American Censors”—as if they stifle free speech and creativity. Well, it turns out that I was close. American Sensors instead stifles your will to exist.

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John McCain Makes History

On August 3, 2008, John McCain became the first nominee of a major political party to be named John McCain. The historic moment was commemorated by fireworks, stirring speeches, and universally-positive press coverage.

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The Problem with Godwin’s Law

You know who else upheld the rule of law?

Hitler.

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Clunklanalysis: Obama's VP Picks, Part VI

Kathleen “What Glass Ceiling?” Sebelius
Chuck “WHAT?!!” Hagel
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Kansas Governor Kathleen “What Glass Ceiling?” Sebelius gives political women a good name in all the ways Clinton does not. She also has the remarkable ability (or remarkability, if you will) to win multiple elections, and remain very popular, as a Democrat in a blood-red state. This is because, every morning, she eats a bowl of Awesome Flakes (120% of your daily required Awesome), and you are what you eat. Nebraska Senator Chuck Hagel is a WHAT THE HELL HE’S A REPUBLICAN. Like Joe “Iscariot” Lieberman, he’s more or less switched sides on certain issues, although Lieberman is no longer even a Democrat in name. Like Obama, Hagel was an early and emphatic critic of the Iraq War, and has been unreserved in his praise for what he sees as Obama’s foreign policy clairvoyance. The difference between him and most Republicans is that he and Obama got out the rulers and measured.

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McCain Refers to Steam Engine as ‘emerging technology’

John McCain today made a reference to what he called “the emerging technology of steam engines” during a speech on national energy issues.

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Obama Appointed Reichskanzler of the German Empire

Following last week’s speech in front of the Victory Column in Berlin’s Tiergarten, German citizens became so uplifted and emboldened that they ‘pulled a reverse France’, dissolving and liquidating the democratic government and installing Barack Obama as the Chancellor of Germany’s Sixth Reich, which is just a modern copy of their second.

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