You’d have to be brain dead to have missed the buzz around Geoffry A. Rawlin’s Philosophical Zombie 2 (P-Zed2). Moviegoers delighted at the original Philosophical Zombie, a blockbuster hit which threatened to overturn the zombie horror genre. The sequel promises us a bigger story, more zombies, and more horror, all on a bigger budget. Sounds good. But as a critic, I must ask the question: does the film live up to the hype?
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Okay, flags of the world, listen up. A nation’s flag is supposed to be its unique identifying symbol, a collection of colors and insignia that define its people, what they stand for, and what they hope for. It is the banner that will brand their greatest accomplishments, it will be hoisted above their competitors on the world stage, and is the oriflamme they rally behind in times of war. Yet so many of y’all are pedestrian, similar, and uninspired. You fly behind the god damned presidents of the world, ya gotta shape up.  This isn’t even the right flag! That’s Liberia’s flag! As if decades of slavery were not enough, now we deface someone else’s flag just because we’re too fucking LAZY to ink the RIGHT NUMBER OF STARS! Worse still, it’s a THROW PILLOW. It’s not even a real pillow! It’s like a big-game hunter tracking down the last Tasmanian tiger and then calling it a dingo when he mounts it to his wall. Patriotic holidays are just commercialist circlejerks. We don’t honor the fallen. We have sales on mattresses. It’s bad enough that Christmas, Valentine’s Day, and Labor Day have been bastardized, but why you gotta exploit the blood of our ancestors to make a $.59 profit on a refrigerator magnet? The young man gazed with wonder at his mistress. The light of countless stars was just enough for his eyes to take in her familiar outline. Here, in a small ditch in the middle of a field on a moonless night, they could truly be alone. Away from the judgmental eyes of the society that had forbidden their love, they could indulge in their secret passion. So one might criticize my reaction to that initial night of sexile, since the blue scrunchie maneuver was something I might have given Peter reason to think was okay. (I hope to god Peter didn’t show that Chinese girl his “blue scrunchie maneuver” if you know what I mean, because what I mean is some kind of sex act). I decided to see if my Tarot cards, collectively named Dexter (a deck named Dex, get it?), have a sense of humor. I asked him to make a joke by flipping over a card to create a set up, a card to elaborate the story, and then a card to act as punchline for three jokes. This is the result, which I have taken the liberty of interpreting using my clandestine powers of divination and comedy. Motel: 6 I’ve got a number of pet peeves, and, to my annoyance, I am constantly finding more to foster with the passing of time. In my book, constantly is too often, and living on a college campus full of bozos and ruffians does not help. So that the world can share in my grief, I will share my pet peeves with you all, one for each week. Some of them, people will be able to sympathize with me on. Others…. well, only in my world I suppose. Anyone out there got earplug headphones? If so, then you might know where I’m going with this. Or maybe I’ll surprise you yet. An Open Letter To All The People Out There Who Say They Hate Dragonforce Between porn, Wikipedia, file sharing, porn, facebook, porn, YouTube, Homestar Runner, and porn, the internet can be a wonderful place. It can also be a really stupid place, because it allows people like YOU to spew their ASININE OPINIONS without fear of immediate physical retaliation. Yeah, you know who you are. You’re one of those people who uses completely MEANINGLESS phrases like “technical wankery” in a desperate attempt to find something bad to say about a band that’s so incredible you have to invent words just to find something to complain about. “All they ever do is play fast” you say. Well so what? All B.B. King ever does is play blues. All Yo Yo Ma ever does is play cello. All Jerome Bettis ever did was play football. All my co-worker Dan ever does is play World of Warcraft. And except in that last example, there’s NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT SO YOU CAN JUST SHOVE THAT ARGUMENT UP YOUR ASS!
Hello, ladies, gentlemen, and especially, ladies! Ha ha ha! Shortly, this website will host a recording of a new one-act play written by Tanzmetall and some other guy. It stars ME as the hero, and these beautiful chicks as my benefactors! I’ll bene their factors if you know what I mean! Ha ha ha!
–Ladiesman, superhero extraordinaire and lover extra-extraordinaire! |
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