My Methods of Porn Acquisition have Changed Drastically Over the Years

What an incredible journey it’s been.

I remember it like it was yesterday. Getting that Zip disk full of naughty pictures from my friend and keeping it longer than I said I would. Loading some of them onto floppy disks so that I could transfer them to my antique laptop. Looking at Grabass_Champion’s forbidden Playboy briefcase. Lamenting my 56k internet connection and begging him to download and burn me some high-speed porn. He became my porn-dealer. It was a humble beginning, but I still keep those CD’s lying around because of the fond memories attached to them.

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Battlestar Pennsylvania

Commander Adama won Ohio, Rhode Island, and sort of maybe kind of won Texas. But despite her strong performance in that battle, the war looks every bit as grim for her as it did before.

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The Lost Episodes of a Struggling Screenwriter

He is tryeing but he cant’
and it makes him sad

Dear Mr. Brown,

Your teleplay does not meet the needs of the network at this time. House, M.D. has a full staff of writers. Furthermore, they are generally competent in crafting plots and/or grammatical sentences, which is more than I can say about you.

Your two-page, improperly-formatted manuscript is enclosed. My reader actually specifically requested that she be given permission to take a shit on it first, but I reviewed her employment papers and it was not in her job description. You have dodged a bullet, Mr. Brown.

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The Mayor of Knifetown

Batarang returned to sender.

As all of us know, the holiday season is a time for stress and violence. Going in for that perfect gift requires a sharp wit, the willingness to do harm, and shoddy, Batman-inspired weaponry. That’s why for Secret Santa this year, I opted to get (read: drunkenly stumbled upon) the perfect gift: a bat-a-rang. Some of you may remember Batman’s all-purpose throwing-dealy in the shape of a bat, others may be Canadian. In any event, an internet Boolean search for ‘generic novelty gift + super hero – gay porn’ yielded that admirable result. I quickly ordered my bat-a-rang from Blade Empire. With over twelve years in the business, surely they could suit my novelty weapon needs. But three days after ordering, this was what I received:

Your order is cancelled. We can’t ship to someone else’s house.

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