Clunkline's Annual Financial Report

Annual Report of the Finances of, INC.

Composed by: Norman D. Apple, Quarterly Employee of G&T Wedge Accountants.

Over the last few days and months, I have been meticulously collecting, collating, collaborating, collaring, and colonizing data about Clunkline’s detailed financials. Also, I got a colonoscopy. This post will inform us all of Clunkline’s financial status and should be a great help to strategic management objectives as well as objectifying strategic management.

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Mayor Ravenstahl to tax the Old for Driving Slowly

In an effort to close the $15 million gap in this year’s City Budget, Pittsburgh Mayor Ravenstahl the Younger has made moves to install a “slow driving” tax.

“Too much of our infrastructure is being inefficiently used by aging drivers, who with their light feet that cannot push pedals, and their inability to see over their hoods, and their general mothball-ish scent. Its time that these geriatric big-wigs paid their fair share!” said Ravenstall at a recent news conference.

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Things I Don't Do

1. I don’t rinse things before I put them in the dishwasher. It’s called a dishWASHER, people! Rinsing things is what it DOES! You don’t roast something over a fire before you put it in the oven, do you? That’s like parking a car in your bedroom so you can drive to the car in your garage. Now, it’s true that I don’t have a bedroom, but I do sleep in my car.

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Give me 41.67 cents, and I’ll take $26,400

The evils of the metric system have, for too long, infected our currency system. How can a nation built upon archaic and arbitrary measuring systems allow its financial system to be neatly divided by factors of ten? Our rich history has dozens of arbitrary units we could use instead, but we’ve never had a way to bridge the complex English system of measurement with our base-10 currency system.

Until now.

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Ladies and gentlemen, today’s economic crisis has only one solution: more Vikings! (Not the Minnesotan kind… we need many less of them.)

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DC Voting Act Preserves “One Man, One Vote”, Except in Utah, which is Special

A bill has passed the House to give a Representative in Congress to the heavily-Democratic District of Columbia, which has lacked any sort of voice in the Capitol since the nation’s founding. License plates in DC are emblazoned with “Taxation without Representation” in protest.

Controversially, the bill also contains a provision giving an extra Congressional vote to Republican Utah, in order to even out the partisan mixture of the new additions. Utah narrowly missed getting an extra seat in 2000, and has since been throwing temper tantrums. “No taxation without disproportionate representation,” read license plates in Utah.

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Voters Solve Problems Themselves

Taking to heart the Obama campaign’s fortuitous slogan “Yes We Can,” a whole bunch of people got together and solved a majority of the world’s problems Saturday.

“We all got to thinking, maybe it’s not just up to the candidates, or the people at the top who can do things,” said history professor Darwin Adams. “Maybe some problems are actually better solved by Joe Sixpack fixing his own life than by Joe Biden trying to fix someone else’s.”

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Political Platitudes that should Die

The media has a tendency of repeating the same phrases for something: Obama “clinched” the nomination, Palin “energized” her base. But the candidates themselves are even worse, repeating and repeating some words until they lose whatever meaning they ever had. Sometimes it gets so bad that you just want to throw tomatoes at the candidates and tell them to go nurse their retarded babies. Or maybe that is just me.

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Government Solves Lending Crisis with Loan

“This entire mess was started by banks giving out loans to insolvent people,” said Harry Reid in a speech on the Senate floor today in favor of the bailout. “The obvious solution to this is to lend money to insolvent backs.”

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I’m not sure how much more of this I can take.

As H.L. Mencken once said, “Nobody ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American people.”

I partly blame the excessive, ridiculous primary campaign, but this year’s election season has been too close, too long, and too dire for me to bear. I spend far too much time reading, thinking, and writing about it. And the race is close because people are too stupid or ignorant or apathetic to give a shit about it. What an insult to people like me who actually think about things.

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Interview Report 9/6/08: The Penn State Student Section

IR: Hello, how are you doing today?


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Ever been hungry for something… Something squishy, gray, and probably illegal? Are you tired of other brain delivery services? Are you a cannibal fed up with the rest of the human body? Or are you just a zombie?

Whatever your case is, Burpen’s BUCKET O’ BRAAAINNNS can help.

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Interviewing Livestock

Josh “Livestock” Boruff is responsible in large part for my addiction to my (other) favorite comedy website, SomethingAwful. He sidecoaches the Photoshop Phriday feature, which is undoubtedly the great big emerald in the pile of SA’s crown jewels. Months ago he agreed to an interview. Today, I tracked him down and held him at Internet-gunpoint until he answered my questions. The rest, as they say, is history.

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So I was thinking to myself what I would need to write in order to become a published author.

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Hillary Clinton and the Reality Tax Holiday

Hi! I’m Hillary Clinton. Today I’m going to talk to you about my wonderful plan for eliminating the federal tax on Reality this summer!

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