Unlikely Success Stories

A short while ago, on a whim, I taught myself to play the accordion. I had a hunch that somehow, knowing this instrument would open doors for me, if I wanted to do comedy. (No idea where I got a crazy idea like that.)

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Am I Weird? [2]

My last venture into the quirks of my life was one of reason more than habit. Today’s topic, however, deals with something that is an aspect of my personality. I can endure monotony relatively indefinitely.

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Out of the Archives: TechCase ’67 – RAM Invented!

Oneida, NY

Computarians John Compaq and William Tandy have invented last week what is being hailed as a marvel of modern computertry. Random access memory, a brave new tool in the revolution to speed up our electronic brain machines.

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My Pet Peeves (4)

Y’know, it’s interesting that somebody just put up a post on this site complaining about imitators because that just happens to be what this issue of “My Pet Peeves” covers. I HATE it when people borrow (more like annex) the work and styles of someone else’s efforts. This means that 99.9999999% of the time, I hate fan videos of movies and shows, covers of already famous and popular songs, homemade comics on the web featuring casts of characters that already exist and are copyrighted like Naruto, photoshop images of things that photoshop images have already been made of, and the list goes on and on. The post I mentioned above featured yet another thing we have all seen many versions of, something which we have all come to love and then grow tired of in one sitting: Motivational posters and their many, many, MANY EFFING MANY parodies. Now that the internet is home to somewhere over nine thousand of these parodies, who in their right mind, in their left mind, or even in their auxiliary mind would want to be just another person to make yet one more? Who wants to become a statistic, really?

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Swing State Profiles: Michigan


Why A Swinger?
Rampaging robocops rebelliously reduce residents to random radical reserves.

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Shit, It's Time For Plan C

Don’t argue with me right now just do it. Sam, go get the files and hand them out to everyone. Jimmy, close the blinds and Dan go open the small arms cabinet and pass everything out.

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Ammangetorix Dead, Mormons Crush Amish Remnant

A dismal end for the barbarian leader Ammangetorix and his marauding Amish army of highwaymen.

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Out of the Archives: Warfront 9/29/44: Reward Offered For Hitler's Mustache

FLASH

The War Department today issued a tasty incentive to our boys in Europe today with an unprecedented prize of five THOUSAND dollars to any man who can find and capture Hitler’s Nazi mustache.

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Mormon Army Routed at Engagement Near Toledo

As of press time, Clunkline has ascertained that the Mormon Punitive Expedition bent on destroying Ammangetorix’s band of vandalatious Amish marauders who have been terrorizing the region for years.

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Submitted for Review by Roddenberry Enterprises lld.: Star Trek: The Last Generation by Norm D. Apple

Captain exits the super lift and comes onto the bridge.
Commander Johnny Derringer, a blind black android woman from Iowa, gives the report.

Derringer: Sir, there is a space anomaly over there, and we are drifting blindly into it!

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Gems From the Spam Box

The following spam messages were all copied directly from my inbox at EA (where I’m currently working). They are presented here unaltered and unedited, except for a few instances in which potentially dangerous urls have been removed, and a few other instances in which I have inserted my own comments in brackets and italics [like this]:

From: Claude Caddle
Subject: Proof is nice to you

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Oh, You Support the Electoral College? How Quaint, You’re An Idiot.

Also Known As, The Longest Motherfucking Corner Essay Ever

There are a number of arguments for and against the Electoral College, and yet there are not two legitimate sides to the debate, because every one of the losing side’s arguments belies borderline mental retardation. In every claim about what the system does, E.C. supporters are flat wrong, by empirical fact. And in every claim about why what it actually does is a good thing, they are nothing less than clinically delusional.

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PLOUGH VERSUS HOE: ULTIMATE DEATHMATCH

SUNDAY!
SUNDAY!
SUNDAY!

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Metal Band Names– Create Your Own!

With the metal archives currently listing tens of thousands of official metal bands, you would think that all the good names would be taken by now. Not true! Coming up with new band names is easy; just pick a genre and follow the given template:

Death Metal: Random Latin Phrase OR name of a disease. Examples: Eo Ipso, Catalepsy, Myxedema, Semper Instans

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The best game show idea ever

It involves drinking.

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