I listen to better music than you do. I know this, partly because I also know more about music than you do, but mostly because all of your favorite bands either suck, or they were way better before people like you started listening to them. Also you’re ugly and you smell bad. Go away.
Is he gone yet? Good, I hated that guy.
Anyway, the reason I have such a high standard in music is that every band I encounter is first put through a strict test to determine exactly how much I like them on a 0-100 scale. For this quiz, each band starts with 50 points, then add or subtract points based on the answers to the following questions:
Let’s face it; people are getting lazier all the time. Everyone knows it, especially your grandpa who used to walk to school in the snow every day and blah blah blah derpy derpy doo and so forth. And in no aspect of our lives is this more apparent than in the way we get our food. Observe:
In a move that NSA operative Marvin Jenkins calls “only the biggest waste of time ever,” the digital TV converter boxes handed out by the government were installed with hidden cameras, allowing them to monitor the private lives of citizens. It’s a decision which everyone involved is seriously regretting, however, as so far the only result of this not-so-secret program has been hours upon hours of footage of pasty, old, fat people staring mindlessly at their screens.
Public Access TV will always be known as the proto-YouTube for people who cared about their idiotic obsessions enough to apply to have them broadcast, but not enough to put any time or thought into them. Sometimes the results were abominable. Sometimes they were just merely atrocious. And sometimes… they were ineffable.
Take, for instance, this fellow on the Hurdy-Gurdy:
ABC – “Extreme Makeover: Mobile Home Edition”
In this ill-advised reimagining of the popular “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition” series, Ty and the gang recruit 300 Sears employees to help turn a dumpy trailer into a slightly less dumpy trailer. Disaster is narrowly averted in the first episode when the trailer’s occupants emerge carrying shotguns and blast away at the camera crew, but 15 minutes and only three fatalities later, they are subdued using large quantities of alcohol.
Taking to heart the Obama campaign’s fortuitous slogan “Yes We Can,” a whole bunch of people got together and solved a majority of the world’s problems Saturday.
“We all got to thinking, maybe it’s not just up to the candidates, or the people at the top who can do things,” said history professor Darwin Adams. “Maybe some problems are actually better solved by Joe Sixpack fixing his own life than by Joe Biden trying to fix someone else’s.”
I remember way back in the day watching some documentary about the Jena 6 or the Waterloo 19 or something like that. It was in a classroom in my old high school, and the TV’s there had a habit of clipping the corners off the image because the corners were too rounded.
The documentary liked to show scanned newspaper headlines. One of the headlines said, “Black men accused of rape,” which was not funny until it zoomed in ever so slightly, and now said, “Black men accused of rap.”
I burst out laughing at this tragic headline and probably looked either racist or insane.
