Stereotypes are insulting and divisive. Of course, I have no problem with that. What I have a problem with, is that they insult the wrong people. When’s the last time you heard an epithet for Iowans? Well, if you finish reading this article, it will be five minutes from now.
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I decided to see if my Tarot cards, collectively named Dexter (a deck named Dex, get it?), have a sense of humor. I asked him to make a joke by flipping over a card to create a set up, a card to elaborate the story, and then a card to act as punchline for three jokes. This is the result, which I have taken the liberty of interpreting using my clandestine powers of divination and comedy. Leonid’s an inexperienced nuclear technician three months on the job, two if you don’t count all the clowning around he does! Number four is an RBMK-1000 reactor at the end of his fuel cycle…and at the end of his wits! Together, they ask, “What could possibly go wrong?” Tonight’s Episode: Worst Case Scenario…ever! We open on the control room as Leonid walks in FOUR: Did you manage to get the lights back on in corridor thirteen? In tough economic times like these, we can no longer afford to eat lobsters garnished with panda blood and diamond sauce. Today, I walk you through some easy way to tighten your belts without also tightening your taste buds!* Here are some alternative recipes for your favorite foods. Real cheesecake requires expensive ingredients and gas-oven preparation. With energy prices these days, something had to change. Ingredients: 1 Oreo crust It’s time again for the Clunkline “columns from you guys” feature, where we give you, the reader, a chance to voice your opinion. Today’s guest column comes from Garth Q. Jennings in Dead Possum, Alabama, who dictated the following rant to one of our secretaries because he himself can’t type. Or spell. *** If Nuclear Weapons Are Outlawed, Only Outlaws Will Have Nuclear Weapons by Garth Q. Jennings Well, the government is at it again! Trying to infringe on my God-given right to carry a nuclear missile for self defense. And put “God-given right” in all caps. Wait, are you writing that down, too? Don’t write this part down, just the rest of it.
A deadline has been set for the closure of the Orwellian detention facility at Guantanamo Bay. Apparently, the 250 illegally-held detainees failed to pay the mortgage. Congress is now debating ways of bailing out the alleged terrorists who live there. This is reasonable, because if Congress bailed out AIG executives, that standard should apply to people who are less heinous assholes. Hey, you out there, I’m willing to make a bet about you. I bet you’re one of those people who really likes a good nog. I bet you like to sit down next to the fireplace, recline, and enjoy a good thick glass of nog. I bet you wish one or both of your nipples made the stuff around this time of year so you could have it everywhere you go! I bet you totally hate it when people spell the name “Jeff” “Geoff”! Once again, I’m correct. But that’s not what I’m here to talk to you about. SOooooo………..
This image of a cheery but bizarrely-clothed Russian tourist appeared in Burpen’s Samba article a few months back. Although not as repulsive as the infamous awkward.jpg, the only thing stopping us from photoshopping him into strange situations months ago was our lack of time. But now, with finals looming for the students among us, excuses not to work are treasured. And so I bring you: the Lurid Life of Lyurej.
I just got back from my 8th tour of duty. After the 3rd, they stop giving you tour guides. In the past month I have rediscovered the local library, and boy, it has changed. Okay, not really. It still has books, it still has the same computers, the same people… I guess really the only difference is that they’re now in a joint venture with other surrounding libraries making more books available. This required me to get a new library card, as mine was literally over ten years old, but the benefits were worth it. One of the new features is the ability to ‘check-out’ audiobooks online for free. Granted, it isn’t the best selection in the world, but there are quite a few books that I had been meaning to read but hadn’t the time. With audiobooks, I can zone out at work (as usual) and immerse myself in the world literally streaming into my head. The first book I checked out and finished (the I, Robot one had a bad sector that won’t transfer properly, so I’m stuck halfway through) is Eragon. Yee-haw! Just like them old folksy tunes that Paw used to play on the ol’ banjukelele. Stomp up a storm, grab your partner (by the hand, you pervert!), and swing your arms in that ol’ Main Street America Joe Sixpack do-si-do. …But mostly just read it. There was, a house, in New Orleans
lol he says nukular wrong Sarah McCain!!! <3
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