Put your shit on the correct side of the flag, Zambia. It goes on the left, near the pole, not the right.
Okay, flags of the world, listen up. A nation’s flag is supposed to be its unique identifying symbol, a collection of colors and insignia that define its people, what they stand for, and what they hope for. It is the banner that will brand their greatest accomplishments, it will be hoisted above their competitors on the world stage, and is the oriflamme they rally behind in times of war. Yet so many of y’all are pedestrian, similar, and uninspired. You fly behind the god damned presidents of the world, ya gotta shape up.
No joke, there really are Ethiopian restaurants. It’s just like going to a Catholic brothel or a North Korean car dealership. You may be asking, “What, do you go there, sit down, and starve while the world ignores you?” But the advertising for these restaurants says they are completely normal, and deny that the food will be brought in by aid workers.
First Guy: I’m not voting for John McCain because he was in prison.
Second Guy: Uhhh… you know he was a prisoner of war, right? In North Vietnam? He’s a war hero.
First Guy: I don’t care. Prison is prison.
Way back when the Forums were young, when farkle-farkle, nervestaple, and I lived together, when the grass was green and the economy was real, I made a mistake.
A new Obama campaign ad opens with footage of the Vietnam War. The narrator intones, “Many people opposed America’s activities in Vietnam, but few hated freedom so much that they were willing to betray their country.”
Kansas Governor Kathleen “What Glass Ceiling?” Sebelius gives political women a good name in all the ways Clinton does not. She also has the remarkable ability (or remarkability, if you will) to win multiple elections, and remain very popular, as a Democrat in a blood-red state. This is because, every morning, she eats a bowl of Awesome Flakes (120% of your daily required Awesome), and you are what you eat.
Nebraska Senator Chuck Hagel is a WHAT THE HELL HE’S A REPUBLICAN. Like Joe “Iscariot” Lieberman, he’s more or less switched sides on certain issues, although Lieberman is no longer even a Democrat in name. Like Obama, Hagel was an early and emphatic critic of the Iraq War, and has been unreserved in his praise for what he sees as Obama’s foreign policy clairvoyance. The difference between him and most Republicans is that he and Obama got out the rulers and measured.
Virginia Governor Tim “No Discernable Hairline” Kaine was an early Obama endorser, and came from the same town in Kansas as Obama’s mother. This has fueled speculation that he is Obama’s true father, which has in turn fueled further speculation that Kaine is a closeted black guy.
Virginia Senator Jim “Didn’t Say Macaca” Webb won his election narrowly by not saying “macaca”. He’s under serious VP scrutiny as a result of his national security creds, his appeal to white Appalachians, and coming from Virginia.
McCain panders to the border security industry, which employs 73% of the state’s population by appropriating surplus Vietnam era US Army materiel to unorganized local militias, including collapsible anti-tank mortars, automatic M-14 rifles, depleted uranium hollow point exploding ammunition, high explosives, low explosives, F-4 Phantom fighter jets, and armored personnel carriers including but not limited to the M48A3 Patton Main Battle Tank.
“I killed all of them in hand to hand combat while ducking sniper fire.”
Hillary Clinton today denounced critics who said she should pull out of Vietnam. “The war’s not over yet. Not everyone has fired off all their rounds! Let’s stop letting the pundits say who’s won this war and just let everyone shoot.”
It’s amazing what passes for “news” these days. The Trib has printed more than one article regarding the nonexistent-within-circles-with-IQs-greater-than-room-temperature controversy over Rev. Jeremiah Wright’s preaching material every day since Tuesday. It finally got so bad that I had to write a letter.
