New D&D character class: Democrat

I play Dungeons and Dragons.

There, I said it. It’s out there, go ahead and mock my basement-dwelling, Mountain Dew-chugging, cheese puff-eating tushie. I play D&D. And y’know what? I enjoy it. It’s freakin’ fun.

There’s something missing from the D&D experience though. At times, the adventure can seem a bit too disconnected from the reality we live in (fancy that). Noting this, I took it upon myself to add a new class to the ranks of Barbarian, Wizard, Ranger, and the like, a hero for a more refined age.

Ladies, Gentlemen, and otherwise… I present the Democrat character class for D&D 3.5!

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Seasons Beatings from Clunkline!

Season's Beatings!

Season's Beatings!

Armed Protester Claims Sign Was Misinterpreted

On 11 August 2009, William Kostric protested President Obama’s town hall meeting in Portsmouth, New Hampshire. He held a sign reading “It is time to water the tree of liberty!”, and legally carried an unconcealed handgun. In the media frenzy (mostly over the weapon) that ensued thereafter, Kostric says he has been struggling to make clear that his sign was not making a direct reference to the entire passage written by Thomas Jefferson in a letter to William S. Smith in 1787. Jefferson’s words were:

The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants. It is a natural manure.

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Opposite Day: Part II

In Part I, I discussed how writers of television shows, books, and films often write with diametrically-opposing agendas. Today, I’m gonna use the exact same formula, because unlike Leonard Nimoy, I’m not a flip-flopper.

I Am Not Spock
I Am Spock
Leonard Nimoy’s first autobiography.
Leonard Nimoy’s second autobiography.

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Amusing Exchange

Between a friend and me in my car:

“If you rape a hooker, is that theft of services?”
“Yeah, but if you kill her afterwards it’s just a ‘Going out of Business’ sale.”

Dougie Howser, P.o.S.

I’m sorry, but I couldn’t save your husband.
I WAS BUSY WATCHING MY TESTICLES DESCEND.

Few television shows directly cause domestic abuse. It is rare to find one that actually forces anyone to clock the nearest person in a fit of pure rage. But there is some evidence that television does cause violence.

In the course of researching this article, my roommate was hospitalized for more wounds than I can count. He was suffering from a fractured collarbone, a split pelvis, a dislocated bladder, and an extra spinal cord. (For the life of me I can’t remember where I got that extra spinal cord.) And then he made the mistake to have Dougie Howser on when I came to visit his ward. God rest his soul… but I believe my point was, Dougie Howser makes you want to kill.

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Rise and Fall of a Sockpuppet: The j_wilkin Saga

Way back when the Forums were young, when farkle-farkle, nervestaple, and I lived together, when the grass was green and the economy was real, I made a mistake.

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One Dead, Three Captured as Live Action Chess Game Goes Awry

LATVIA

In what started as a large scale live action chess game with ‘real weapons’, one player was dead and three more abducted by the leader of the losing side when defeat appeared inevitable.

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DE`TENTE

DE`TENTE

A play in two acts by Vincent Brown

ACT ONE

JIM and TOM are somewhere. TOM wants JIM to write about two things: either carrots, or BEES.

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Review: Your fighting style and your ability to please a woman.

I say, I have heard this from many a female but I did not believe it until I experienced your company.

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Apathy of a Deactivated Generation: This is Sooooooo Gay.

Here, Grabass_Champion puts on his Social Commentary hat, and wishes to address a problem that is one of his paramount complaints about his society, all the while hoping to amuse you while he preaches. It worked for South Park, right? Being preachy but funny? Yeah. We’ll see. This is probably going to be heavy on the preachy part.

TL;DR for the whole series: Kids of the generations that will enter the workforce during the next ten years are (in the majority) nihilistic, self-obsessed, pot-addled shits with little desire to understand anything about the world around them. They are this because of the media, and because they’ve been brought up by the people who came out of the cultural revolution of the 1960s.

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Am I the only one who loves Tom and Jerry or what?

I love this cartoon. It’s so fucking awesome.

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Clinton is Winning the Hotly-Contested War for Stupid Voters

In recent days, Hillary Clinton has tried to get the nomination by appealing overtly to stupid voters. The two biggest examples of this are her handling of the Wright non-controversy, and her even more imaginary “Bittergate”. In both cases, someone on Obama’s side was accused of saying something “offensive”, usually to small-town, white Americans. The problem? Nearly everything those people said was true.

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We Cannot Air your Episode, “The Terrier-iffic Titus Andronicus”

General, I have found the requested images—they were waiting in ambush on the first page of the Google Image Search!

We’re sorry, Mr. Brown, but since “Wishbone®” is a childrens’ show intended to educate and entertain youngsters, there is no conscionable way we can air the recently-penned episode. While “Wishbone®” scripts of the past have featured dark themes and preserved unhappy endings, your adaptation of “Titus Andronicus” goes too far. Admittedly, if it were merely faithful to the original text we might have just gone ahead with it, but your gratuitous incorporation of the Spanish Inquisition into its overbearing plot does not meet the needs of this network at this time.

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Tiny, Ineffectual State Very Plausibly Solves its Problems by Fracturing Into Even Tinier, More Ineffectual Community

Kosovar people ask for,
shalt receive pointless change

“Now we no longer hate our countrymen! What a great step forward!” said Nikola Petrovic, hater of Kosovo. “Now we just hate some fucking foreigners! Yaaaay for the victory of false dichotomies! Hooray for the triumph of the medieval ‘in-group vs. out-group’ mindset that got us into this fucking situation in the first place!”

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