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In an FEC-sanctioned contest, Barack Obama (D-IL) and Sarah Palin (R-AK) will square off in a one-on-one basketball match to determine the winner of this tossup state. The measure is already being praised as “more fair than the Electoral College” by commentators hoping it is a standard soon to be used nationwide. Dear Sir, It has recently become apparent to me that you seem to be seriously interested in pursuing a career in tap dancing. I have come upon this idea after listening to you tapping your feet (with shoes) on your bare hardwood floor for hours on end. This symphony of sounds (“thud” and “tap” being the sole two musicians in your foot orchestra) is something I don’t particularly appreciate at inappropriate times (anytime). I could probably hear a pin drop on your floor from my room in the basement of our house, let alone your feet, which oftentimes sound like a retarded wild horse on concrete. At a faith forum in California in mid-August, John McCain referred to the “Russian Empire” instead of the “Russian Federation”. The “Russian Empire” has not existed since 1917. Unlike his slip referring to the Czech Republic as Czechoslovakia, this one actually does not make any sense. What’s next–promoting a two-state solution to the fighting in the Kingdom of David and tough talk about Sumeria’s nuclear program? This would be funny if I were making it up, right? (Timestamp: 3:45.) I’m posting this several weeks after the fact to point out how stupid it is to refer to things long after they’ve become irrelevant.
I am an expert on terrible webcomics. About half our ads are for webcomics so abysmal, they make Minimum Security look like Calvin and Hobbes. I always browse through our Project Wonderful advertisers’ sites to see if I find any gems, which are exceptionally rare (see also: Grade D but Edible, Buttersafe). I’ve only found two webcomics I’ve really enjoyed among dozens that have bought our advertising. That says a lot about how many people simply do not belong in that business. Some of these unremarkable strips are solidly “pretty good”, but their potential is wasted by either a bad partnership or a lack of a badly-needed partnership; some are just in all ways conventional, been-done, and uninteresting. There is nothing memorable to distinguish 97% of all webcomics. Trust me: StudKickass is different. StudKickass is one of the most memorable strips I’ve ever seen… but I do not wish this experience even on my worst enemies. An Open Letter To All The People Out There Who Say They Hate Dragonforce Between porn, Wikipedia, file sharing, porn, facebook, porn, YouTube, Homestar Runner, and porn, the internet can be a wonderful place. It can also be a really stupid place, because it allows people like YOU to spew their ASININE OPINIONS without fear of immediate physical retaliation. Yeah, you know who you are. You’re one of those people who uses completely MEANINGLESS phrases like “technical wankery” in a desperate attempt to find something bad to say about a band that’s so incredible you have to invent words just to find something to complain about. “All they ever do is play fast” you say. Well so what? All B.B. King ever does is play blues. All Yo Yo Ma ever does is play cello. All Jerome Bettis ever did was play football. All my co-worker Dan ever does is play World of Warcraft. And except in that last example, there’s NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT SO YOU CAN JUST SHOVE THAT ARGUMENT UP YOUR ASS! No, this has nothing to do with masturbation. Well, at least, I think it has nothing to do with masturbation. This device was created long before imageboards were even a funny feeling in someone’s balls, and was called the “fapper” before a gaggle of horny 14-year-olds decided that “fap” would be a great word for “masturbate”. Anyway, watch the video before I give too much away… It’s delightfully hilarious. A play in two acts by Vincent Brown ACT ONE JIM and TOM are somewhere. TOM wants JIM to write about two things: either carrots, or BEES. Some guy walked around campus handing out pieces of paper that said “Day” on them and filming reactions when he told them “now give someone else a nice day”. I wound up appearing very briefly in this, along with the present Artistic Director of the No Parking Players, an improv troupe to which I belong. We are wearing ridiculous things and have lucky charms in front of us which we were, at the time, using to tell fortunes. I’m posting it mostly because of our fortune-telling clothes. I didn’t think I’d be immortalized in such a stylish jacket (or saying “day” so confusedly). Here it is, my contribution to our world’s eminent destruction, a video in honor of musical belches and DJs who are just way too cool to be conceivable. Every year, Seneca Valley High School in Germantown, MD holds a men’s beauty pageant poignantly titled “Mr. Seneca.” In my capacity at Clunkline, I somehow uncovered some footage of a previous contestant from all the way back in 2006. Though I cannot speak much to his methods, or much on the subject of copyright infringement, I will say this: it seemed like a hell of a show that year. There have been a number of times this campaign season when a candidate said or did something retarded. But sometimes, they overlook the most basic facts and forge ahead triumphantly, like a naked explorer in the arctic with a plastic bag over his head.
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